Eating Ice Cream in Armageddon III: Global Warming Kicks In
After the war, the Ice Cream shop reopens, yet Michael is not welcome there anymore. Michael divorces Pakiza in a Manic Episode; climate change kicks in, and Michael has to survive it alone.
Recap on previous books:
Michael, A loner author with a Palestinian Muslim mother and Israeli Jewish father, has an epic dream, wakes up, and has to survive World War III with three Afghan/Persian girls from an ice cream shop. Has a crush on Halima, a teenage girl but marries Pakiza because Halima is underage. Forgives all his past enemies. World War III ends and Michael’s family is nowhere to be found.
Michael got up from his couch after an hour of reflection. World War III had just ended, and Michael was sitting in his family room in an empty Orange County home. Orange County was bafflingly unharmed in the war, yet it was evacuated. Eventually, people started to enter it, in order to have places to live, and recover from the war.
Michael went back to the Ice Cream Shop one day, yet the manager, furious at him for being a creepy loner that stared at the employees before the war, and for having a crush on an underage girl, told him quite plainly:
“Hey Listen man. You’re not welcome here anymore. I know a huge war just happened but seriously give my employees a break. I don’t want to get in trouble with the law man. I pretty much called the Police right before the war started to keep you from stalking my employees. I don’t want to get into this mess again.”
Michael asked: “ What did the police say?”
“Oh they said if you come back again to call them.”
Michael stood and reflected then said “Ok” and walked away.
Michael became stressed, depressed then manic, and in the midst of a manic episode called Pakiza on his Smartphone and said “I divorce you I divorce you I divorce you!”
Michael shook his head, began talking to himself, walked outside of his home, grabbed his bags, and set forth, to get away from the Suburban nightmare.
He walked to the mountains in Orange County and made an encampment. He kept his Smartphone with him to stay in touch with what’s happening in the outside world.
Just after he had left the Suburbs, the winds were blowing fiercely, and it was freezing cold. The cold made Michael shiver and put his face down, and his clothes were barely enough to survive. Michael had not consummated the marriage; was sex-starved and lonely.
Just then, an earthquake hit Orange County, and the ice cream shop Michael attended was completely destroyed. Michael checked the news to see what was going on:
“Oh Shit! My ice cream shop!” The dark skinned manager said. “What am I going to do?” The ice cream girls at the ice cream shop said “Where is Michael? I wish he was here right now. He would have known what to do. Maybe we shouldn’t have betrayed him and reverted to calling him a creepy stalker to the manager after the war.”
Just then, some Christian scientists got on t.v. to talk about the disastrous situation,:
“It appears global warming is real. I mean there are no corporations anymore, and the evidence is overwhelming. Yeah I guess we’ll have to accept it. Actually, it appears within the next few days we should be experiencing catastrophic weather due to the incredible nuclear explosions that fucked up the ecosphere during the war.”
“Oh fuck!” Michael said. He began to think. “It’s too cold here in the desert, if global warming kicks in, then extreme weather events will happen, and it might get even colder here.” Michael packed his bags and went back to the Suburbs.
Meanwhile, typhoons were developing in the philippines, Indonesia and all of southeast Asia. Tornadoes were appearing all over the MidWestern united States. Incredible rainfall like never before was raining in Tibet. The Deserts of Arabia and the Sahara blazed with a heat like never before.
Michael had to think about what to do, quickly, and fast. Just then, Michael felt a sadness that he was no longer in touch with Halima, the sweet yet simultaneously feisty teenage girl he had a crush on. “I miss her a lot. She was so nice.”
Michael realized that he would just have to live now without her, and survive on his own. Michael went back to the mall, after it reopened to eat some pizza. Michael’s dysfunctional smartphone began playing the song “Boys of Summer” by Don Henley, but due to extreme tyrannical post apocalyptic copyright laws, the lyrics were blocked out. Michael was then stalked by a security guard, and thought for a moment “Hey wait a minute! I liked an underage girl. So what? I wasn’t going to do anything bad to her. Yet I got the entire Gestapo in America on my case!”
After eating some pizza, Michael went to college to take a writing class that had reopened after the war. Michael sat, paranoid, anxious and depressed, with sloppy handwriting; afterwards, left and went home.
Meanwhile, the police were speaking to Halima,the other girls, and the ice cream shop owner, ready to make their move to arrest Michael for having an innocent crush before a catastrophic war.
Michael thought about what to do. First, he remembered something that Halima told him once in the past year of apparent stalking that was not actually stalking but was an innocent crush: that the Sharia is demented. She asked him “Hey Did I make you think? When I said it was demented?” Michael said no. Michael wanted to explain to her that the Sharia ain’t demented. It’s actually really cool. It’s simply a matter of interpretation and Saudi Arabia and Iran have a twisted interpretation of it. He wanted to tell her that Sharia is actually far more lenient and merciful than American law and explain to her why. Halima and him both were into Criminal law as subjects. Actually Michael spent many many years thinking about the subject, and wanted to share his insights on it. Unfortunately, Michael was prevented to do this by the ice cream shop owner and the mall security.
Michael planned to make his escape, and decided to go on the run. “Where should I go? Where should I go?” Michael decided to stay in Orange county, and his home, and wait to see what happens. “I mean, come on, Orange County survived an epic Nuclear War. I’m sure it can survive a little bit of global warming. And I mean, come on, I’m a nice guy, I’m sure the police will leave me alone.” Michael thought.
Meanwhile, the brains of the police were being fried by global warming, which was making them angry and they started to lose their minds. “This Michael guy! I mean come on his books are hilarious! But we are white knights we gotta take him out!!!” “Yeah Yeah! Let’s take him out!!!” They all said, banging their fists on their desks
Just then Michael heard the voices of the police in his mind saying “Let’s take him out! Let’s take him out!” and he put his hands on his ears and began hitting himself. Michael became suicidal.
Afterwards, Michael decided to file a lawsuit against the ice cream shop for discrimination against him for being mentally ill. “Damn, everywhere I go I’m discriminated against for my personality disorder. Come on! Being a Bipolar loner who has an innocent crush on a cute underage girl aint against the law! I mean come on! This ain’t no Chris Hansen Dateline NBC shit!”
He called the destroyed ice cream shop which was completely wiped out except for a token phone the next day, and said “Hey listen, man I’ll give you two choices, either I take you to a post-apocalyptic court for discriminating against me for having a Schizoid personality disorder, which is a real medical condition and not a character flaw, or let me come to the ice cream shop again and talk to Halima.”
The next day, Michael took the ice cream shop to the dystopian court.
“So, we’ve got the case of Michael vs a random ice cream shop owner who’s ice cream shop got solely demolished in an earthquake of unknown magnitude. So I will give the mic to the plaintiff.”
“Yeah, my name is Michael. Seriously, I thought the Ice Cream shop was cool and everything, and that the girls were cool with me, but what do you know, they stabbed me behind my back by claiming I’m a creepy stalker. But in reality I have some serious medical issues. And considering that this is a post-apocalyptic dystopian court, I want some harsh measures taken.”
The Judge responded: “Oh but we heard you wrote a book about these ice cream girls. Isn’t that a little creepy?”
“Come on I was just trying to impress them and I liked the underage girl. I mean come on is that a crime? I had no malintentions. And If I was in a wheelchair would I have been treated the same way? I mean we got a complete double standard here when it comes to mental illness. “
The Judged looked and didn’t let the random ice cream shop owner, who discriminates against white girls by only hiring brown skinned girls at his ice cream shop, respond.
“Ok, after a 5 second deliberation, my verdict is: That the ice cream shop be shut down and never opened again, and Michael’s books be taught in high schools.”
“Oh shit are you serious Judge?” Michael asked. “Maybe this isn’t such a dystopian nightmare like I thought it would be.”